Kevin's Irish Fairytale Stories

Hello,

"Written by Wonderful Me" is the title of my biopic short. That was completed last Thursday. As the title might hint at it is a biopic all about ME! I mean it isn't going to change your life to read it but meh, it'll do. Now I've moved onto the fairytale genre. So let's have a first look into what does this genre mean exactly.

One thing I should say before I go researching is that luckily for me, Ireland is bursting with old folklore tales. So surely I can find something in them to write a short on. There's that Salmon of Knowledge, Children of Lir, Tír Na Nóg and others. One of them I think might fit the fairytale genre some bit.

First things first, I am going to make a quick trip to check out some tropes in the genre.

(Starts my car, drives off to have a look)

Alright I'm back...forgot my wallet for diesel.

(Drives away again, back again)

Now, some tropes to check out. Some of these might be used. Some might not. Let's keep them in mind.

Witches, stepmothers and evil wizards frequently fall into this category.

Going into the wood triggers the tale. This is not a good thing.

The youngest or smallest one will turn out to be smarter than his big enemies.

Kings, queens, ogres, and witches don't need you to work for them to assign you the Impossible Task, but it seems to encourage them.

The stepmother can hate the stepdaughter's beauty on behalf of herself or her less-attractive daughters; older sisters (and brothers) frequently envy the success of younger sisters (and brothers)

Lady stuck in Tower

Noble fugitive

Kingdom setting

Usually the male hero is the son of a king, and a brave and virtuous person.

And so on and on and on.

I have a week to write this genre so as I said at the top, I am most likely going to delve into Irish history. I am looking at the tale of Finn MacCool and the Giant's Causeway.

(Giant's Causeway in Co. Antrim. My Causeway looks neater)

Actually, I just realized most of you who read this might not know about these Irish tales. So let me give you my brief recollection of each story. I'm sure I have the rough idea of them. Then next week I can come back with what I've written. Next Sunday is my deadline anyway.

Alright, here's some knowledge for you.

Salmon of Knowledge

This is a simple tale. One day some boy, it might have been Fion or Cu Chulainn who I will write about soon. Let's pretend it was a boy named Sue. Sue was wandering about in the countryside of Ireland when he met some fisherman who was struggling at a river. Sue had a chat with the fisherman, I'll call him Mick, and Mick let Sue know that he was trying to catch this Salmon. The Salmon of Knowledge was, as the name suggests, a clever salmon that if you ate, you would then be really smart yourself. I think this is the basis for that limitless movie with Bradley Cooper.

Anyway, Sue had nothing else to do that day, so he sat down with Mick at the river to catch this nerdy salmon. Eventually, they caught the salmon that most likely had a PhD in Mathematics. Mick, delighted with himself, congratulated Sue for helping a stranger and they went about setting up a spit to cook the Nobel Prize winning salmon. As the salmon was over the fire, Mick realized he needed some garnish to go along with the mind altering meal. So he said to Sue he will be back in a minute. "Don't you go eating that salmon while I'm gone now Sue", he said. Sue probably replied "Or you'll sue me?" and Mick laughed but more out of politeness than any enjoyment of the mediocre pun.

Can you guess what happened next?

Sue sat at the fire. Sue really did have nothing else going on that day. He glanced at the salmon and wondered was it cooked enough. So he jabbed at the salmon's skin (skin?) and Sue ended up burning himself on the nearly charred salmon. Instinctively, Sue sucked on his burnt index finger. What do you know? When he sucked on his thumb, Sue understood the Theory of General Relativity that would later be invented by Albert Einstein.

Mick came back and didn't know what happened so he ate the salmon he had worked his whole life for to find. After eating he attempted a Sudoku puzzle but gave up, frustrated, after 3 minutes. He left the scene after cursing the stupid false story of the salmon he had believed for so long while Sue sucked his thumb and delivered an absolutely brilliant pun that would later be copied by Mel Brooks.

So Sue went off and became a super intelligent hero of the people. The people were a bit weirded out that he kept sucking his thumb while preparing the people's defenses during war, but hey it worked!

Children of Lir

Four children, not sure the names. Lets say two boys and two girls called Ashley, Casey, Jordan and Taylor were beloved by their parents Jessie and Jackie but one Jackie died so Jessie met a new boo who was called Femme MacMann. Femme hated the children because sometimes you just do, not everything needs a reason. Femme dragged them off to a lake and turned them into swans. Also gave them a curse to spend 900 years in 3 different lakes. To be honest I'm not sure why Femme was so specific with the curse. It was a little awkward for the children because it took Femme 4 hours of pondering to come up with the rules. But Ashley, Casey, Jordan and Taylor turned into swans and were magically tied to the first lake for the next 900 years.

Their lone parent found out when they wandered down to the lake and told them what had happened. Ashley had great English for a swan. So Jessie was heartbroken and visited them a few times in between dating new people. Femme ran away. (Jessie can't keep a lover)

Anyway, 900 years passed. The children went onto the next lake which had awful, awful weather. Then onto the third lake and after 900 years they met an old man. They met him just before they turned back into people. Incredibly old people of course but still, they looked great for their age. The old man wrote down their story and then they died.

Oh, I just realized it's Children of Lir. I think Lir might have been a lake?

Tír Na Nóg

Nice little story this is. Basically some soldier or knight was wandering about when he met some stunning beauty of a lovely. She fancied the look of him on his horse so she invited back to her place. He said sure and they both galloped off to Tír Na Nóg. Tír Na Nóg was this magical land were you live forever, retaining your youth and all of that. So they had a highly appealing sex life. After a thousand or two years of sexercise, the knight, let's call him Jim, said he wanted to make a quick stop back in Ireland to see how things were going. He was allowed to leave but was told not to set foot on the soil or else he will won't be able to return to Tír Na Nóg and he will grow old. So Jim trotted off on his horse back to Ireland. He wandered about again, no problem at all, until some fool called out for help. Jim went over, still on his horse, and some people were struggling to help the caller get his foot from out under a rock.

Jim, with complete confidence in this plan, said "Leave it to me people. I, Jim, will reach down...still sitting on my horse remember...I will reach down, CLEARLY IN AN AWKWARD POSITION, and lift that rock from his foot."

Everyone stood back and watched this stranger stretch down to reach the rock, almost dangling off the animal. He lifted the rock but unbelievably, Jim slipped. And of course he hit the ground and instantly turned into a 1000 year old man.

Everyone was a bit miffed. Actually I'm not sure what the condition of the horse was. For my version of it the horse remained fine all the way throughout and got lots of affectionate pats on the head and treats.

Fion MacCool and the Giant's Causeway

As I mentioned, this is a contender for my fairytale short. So I won't give too much away.

Basically, Fion had a vendetta against giants in Scotland so built this causeway over to Scotland from Ireland. He went shouting over to Scotland how he could thrash any one of those big clowns until one giant came charging towards him.

Fion, realizing that this giant was actually bigger than him, ran back to Ireland. With the giant still pursuing him, Fion ran home to tell his wife to tell her fecked up and needed help. The wife, a bit annoyed, told Fion to leave it to her. When the giant knocked on their door, the wife answered and said that guy, Fion, who was shouting over at Scotland was gone out hunting and would be back soon. She invited the giant in to wait. When the giant came in he saw a big cot in the house with a "baby" inside it. The baby being Fion wrapped in towels cooing as best he could. The wife, an amateur actor, claimed the baby was actually her and Fion's baby. The wife kinda hinted that the baby was only a day or two old. The giant calculated the size of a two day old baby of Fion's and how that must mean Fion was the size of a couple of giants. So this giant made an excuse to leave and ran back to Scotland.

Fion jumped out of the cot and continued to talk like he could kick all those giant's asses while Fion hurriedly destroyed the causeway to Scotland. I'm not sure if the giant ever wondered why this 2 day old baby was the size of Fion's wife but that's the thing with good actors you see, they make you forget about plot holes.

So there you go. Some Irish mythological history for you.

Thanks for reading

Kevin